Drinking heavily used to be the way I took care of myself. Chasing away the anxiety, depression, and stress with a few tall, cool ones was my “self care.” When I finally made the decision to quit, I knew I had to replace my spa-in-a-bottle with something that relaxed me and allowed me to escape from my life now and again. Self care is not a temporary state to get you through the first year. It has to become a lifestyle. Some women are not particularly good at taking care of themselves, especially women with partners and children. We tend to make sure everyone else’s needs are met first and then serve ourselves the wilted, lukewarm leftovers. This is nothing new. We’ve all heard it before but how many of us take it to heart and actually put ourselves first once in awhile?
Of course, I needed justification for putting myself first, so I calculated the tremendous amount of money I’d save the family budget by discontinuing my consumption of alcohol and applied some of those dollars toward two-hour body massages once a month. They were my reward for maintaining my sobriety. I scheduled the appointments for Fridays after work, thereby creating a whole new version of Happy Hour. Having the toxins rubbed out of your tired, stressed-out muscles once a month with herb scented oils in a quiet, warm room with the sounds of nature playing on a portable CD player feels really good.
So does getting out of debt. So I put the rest of my monthly savings toward paying down our credit card bill. We only have one card but had reached the $5000 limit (how’d that happen?). I created a chart with colored markers and “happy” images that I cut out of magazines. Every time I made a payment, I charted the graph downward and affixed one of those jolly pictures next to the amount so we could visualize our progress. It made me feel good to look at this artful chart, as nerdy as that sounds, and it reinforced the benefits of sobriety.
I found that when I stopped sedating myself every evening and weekend, I had a tremendous amount of nervous energy. I took advantage of it and cleaned my house. It was OK that I couldn’t sit still and that I wasn’t comfortable in my skin yet. There were plenty of drawers and closets that needed cleaning out and reorganizing. We all know that clearing out the physical clutter has a tremendous effect on us mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. It feels great to throw away those stained clothes from the 80s with shoulder pads on steriods. And don’t try to donate them to your local Goodwill. If they are clean, stain free, and in good shape, even out-of-style clothes can be of use to someone. But I can’t tell you how many charitable garage sales I have helped organize where people drop off their stained clothing in various states of disrepair (or used underwear — now honestly!). Don’t kid yourself. The next guy will toss your favorite t-shirt from the 10th grade right into the trash, but curse you and it first. So cut out the middle man and throw away your own garbage.
For escapism, I unapologetically turned to romantic comedies, self-help books, and girls-only weekends. You could easily do 90 romantic comedies in 90 days. As for self-help books, I went for the spiritual (Caroline Myss is a favorite), financial planning (gotta love Suze Orman, the common woman’s money guru), and health (Andrew Wile’s Eight Weeks to Optimum Health got me started). I got my books and many of the movies from my local library — still working on that credit card bill. As for weekend getaways, I still take an annual pilgrimage to a hot springs resort a few hours from my home with a friend. We do yoga, soak, sit in the natural sauna, eat wonderful vegetarian, organic food prepared by someone else, and lounge. It’s heavenly.
In the early days of sobriety, there is a tendency to want to fix everything that is wrong with you and your life. Fight the urge. First of all, you never will. And secondly, if you start to stress over trying to be perfect, you are likely to go back to drinking. Pick up a few gems from the books you read. Don’t try to do it all. Only do the things that make you feel good and reinforce your sobriety. Be gentle. Not drinking today is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. So if you accomplish that much, you are practically walking on the moon.
